Using Empathy to Support Your Grieving Loved Ones

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When someone we love has experienced a loss, we may struggle with what to say. Statements such as, “I didn’t know what to say to help,” or “I had such a hard time finding the right words” are common statements. When we extend expressions of empathy to someone who is grieving, it is best to speak honestly and from the heart. Here are a few tips based on the teachings of Sara Murphy, PhD, CT, on expressing empathy to a grieving loved one:

Instead of ... using many “I” statements, such as “I am so sorry,” “I was shocked to learn of his death,” “I couldn’t believe it”

Consider ... employing “you” statements and questions, such as “Do you want to talk about how you’re feeling?” or “You were so important to her.”

Instead of ... making assumptions about the loss and its impact on a survivor by saying “you must be feeling so…” or “normally, people feel…”

Consider ... asking specific questions about how the survivor is feeling and what this loss has meant to them

Instead of ... imposing personal attitudes, values or beliefs, or assuming that you understand those held by the griever

Consider ... asking about and being receptive to the griever’s communicated attitudes, values and beliefs surrounding the loss, which may be altered due to grief

Instead of ... providing unsolicited advice or trying to guide someone through their grief

Consider ... meeting the griever where they are in their own unique pathway of grief

Instead of ... identifying with the griever’s situation by sharing one of your own stories of loss

Consider ... keeping the griever’s loss at the center of the conversation in recognition that they have the right to own their unique story of loss

Instead of ... limiting the griever by saying, “I know how you feel”

Consider ... telling the griever that you would like to understand how they are feeling

Instead of ... shutting down the griever by saying, “I can’t imagine what you’re going through”

Consider ... expressing that you want to understand what they are going through and ask open-ended questions about how they are coping

Instead of ... communicating “silver lining” or “at least” statements such as “at least they didn’t suffer” or “well, she lived a long life”

Consider ... articulating that you understand that no matter the circumstances of death, the griever is experiencing a profound loss and has the right to grieve

In general, to express empathy consider:

Practicing listening without distractions
Listen more than talk
Maintain centered and open body language
Keep eye contact
Allow for spaces of silence as needed by the griever
Ask questions about the relationship, the griever’s feelings and anxieties and ways in which you can help

We hope these tips can help you with communicating empathy to those who are grieving. Remember not to hold yourself to impossible standards because, like grief itself, practicing empathy is a unique process for each of us.

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Pre-Planning Checklist

January 12, 2026

Dealing with the loss of a loved one can be overwhelming to your surviving family and friends, but pre-planning your funeral service can help them better deal with the stress of losing someone. Choose the Type of Service You Want Pre-planning your funeral service can not only ease the burden on your loved ones, but it helps ensure your final wishes are honored. While some families struggle with making those final decisions after losing someone, your family won’t have to worry with making those hard choices. Choose what funeral home and director you would like to use to handle your service. Decide what type of service you want (traditional, cremation, donation, etc…). If you choose a traditional service with burial, decide where you want to be buried. Meet with the funeral director and look at your options for caskets and urns. If you decide you want to be buried, choose clothing options. Look at options for a location to hold your service (funeral home, religious facility, sentimental building, graveside). What type of flowers do you want? Do you want flowers, or would you rather donations be given to a particular charity or a charity of one’s choice? Who will be a part of your service? You should decide on pallbearers and even ask them personally. You should also decide who you would like to officiate or participate in your service. Choose which songs you would like played at your service. Write an obituary or make notes about information you would like to be included in your obituary. Choose Who You Want to be in Charge Your family and friends want to take part in the process of fulfilling your final wishes, they only need instructions on what they need to do. Make sure someone, preferably your executor, has a copy of the will. Give a family member or chosen friend a list of important account information that will need to be contacted and handled following your death. Also make sure someone knows your final wishes for your desired service. Designate someone to be your power of attorney. Have someone prepared to cancel basic utility services and subscriptions. Choose To Pay In Advance Making decisions about your funeral service in advance can benefit you and your survivors financially. If possible, pay for all expenses in advance, freeing your family from that financial burden. When possible, pre pay for: Cemetery services, burial plot All funeral arrangements including casket, urn, flowers, transportation and specialized services

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What to Wear to a Funeral Service

By Tukios Websites • July 24, 2025

Attending a funeral or memorial service can stir up many emotions, and for some, one of the first questions that comes to mind is: What should I wear? While traditions around funeral attire have evolved, dressing appropriately remains a way to show respect—for the person who has passed and for their loved ones. Whether the service is formal, casual, religious, or a celebration of life, here are a few thoughtful guidelines to help you choose what to wear. 1. Stick to Neutral, Conservative Colors Black is the traditional color of mourning in many cultures, but it's not your only option. Other respectful colors include navy, gray, deep green, brown, and muted tones. Avoid bright colors, loud patterns, or anything that draws unnecessary attention unless the family has requested otherwise. Tip: Some services may invite guests to wear the deceased’s favorite color or dress casually—check the obituary or invitation for guidance. 2. Dress Modestly and Neatly Funeral services are somber occasions, so choose clothing that is clean, pressed, and conservative: For women, options include a modest dress, blouse with slacks, or a skirt paired with a cardigan or blazer. For men, a dress shirt with slacks, a suit, or a sport coat with a tie is appropriate. 3. Footwear Matters, Too Choose closed-toe shoes that are comfortable, especially if you'll be standing or walking at a graveside service. Simple dress shoes, loafers, or flats work well. Avoid athletic sneakers or flip-flops unless the service is explicitly casual or outdoors. 4. Consider the Location and Weather The setting of the service can influence your outfit: For outdoor or graveside services, wear weather-appropriate clothing and shoes that can handle grass or gravel. Bring an umbrella or coat if needed. Dark outerwear is always a safe choice. In a place of worship, modest attire is often expected regardless of the season. 5. Keep Accessories Simple This is not the time for flashy jewelry or bold accessories. Choose understated items that won’t distract from the purpose of the gathering. 6. What About Children? Children should also be dressed neatly and conservatively. Simple outfits in neutral colors are best. If unsure, dress them as if attending a formal family event or church service. 7. When in Doubt, Dress Up a Bit It’s always better to be slightly overdressed than too casual at a funeral. If you’re unsure about the dress code, err on the side of formality. A respectful appearance helps convey sympathy and support. What you wear to a funeral doesn’t need to be fancy or expensive—but it should reflect care, humility, and consideration. Remember: your presence is what matters most

How to Plan a Funeral or Cremation

By Tukios Websites • July 14, 2025

Planning a funeral or cremation—whether for a loved one or preplanning for yourself—can feel overwhelming. There are many decisions to make, all while navigating the emotions that come with loss. But with a little preparation and guidance, the process can be meaningful, healing, and manageable. Whether you're planning ahead or handling arrangements after a loss, this guide walks you through the key steps of planning a funeral or cremation service. 1. Decide Between Burial and Cremation One of the first decisions to make is whether the individual will be buried or cremated. This choice often depends on personal, cultural, or religious preferences. Burial typically involves a casket, a graveside service, and a cemetery plot. Cremation may still include a funeral or memorial service and allows for more flexible options such as scattering, keeping an urn, or burying cremated remains. Some families choose direct cremation (without a service) or direct burial and hold a memorial at a later time. 2. Decide on the Type of Service There are many ways to honor a life, including: Traditional funeral service (usually with the body present) Memorial service (typically after cremation or burial) Celebration of life (a more personalized, informal event) Services can take place at the funeral home, a place of worship or outdoors. Choose what best reflects the person’s life and what brings comfort to those attending. 3. Select the Details You’ll want to personalize the service with details such as: Obituary and newspaper or online notices Casket or urn selection Music, readings, or spiritual elements Photos, videos, or displays of personal items Flowers or charitable donation options Who will speak, perform, or participate Many families also choose to include military honors, religious traditions, or cultural customs. 4. Consider Final Resting Place Options For burials: Choose a cemetery and purchase a plot if one isn’t already owned Decide on a headstone or grave marker For cremation: Decide whether ashes will be kept, scattered, buried, or placed in a niche Some families divide ashes among keepsake urns or jewelry 5. Handle Legal and Practical Matters Don’t forget the necessary paperwork: Obtain a death certificate (you may need multiple copies) Notify Social Security and financial institutions Handle wills, trusts, and estate matters If applicable, coordinate with veterans’ services or insurance providers Funeral directors can help guide you through most of this, but having documents organized in advance can ease the burden. 6. Consider Preplanning Preplanning your own arrangements relieves your loved ones of decision-making during an emotional time. You can: Specify burial or cremation preferences Choose the type of service and location Prepay or set aside funds Record personal touches you’d like included Preplanning ensures your wishes are followed—and it brings peace of mind to everyone involved. While planning a funeral or cremation is never easy, it is an opportunity to reflect, remember, and celebrate a life. Whether you’re planning for the future or coping with a loss today, take each step at your own pace, and don’t hesitate to reach out to professionals or trusted loved ones for support.